DUELING PROFESSORS
In the early 1980s, Larry represented one of the
principal defendants in the school asbestos cases.
At an important class certification argument
in federal court in Philadelphia, the principal
advocates on opposing sides were Harvard Law
Professors Charles Alan Wright and Arthur R.
Miller. After Professor Miller concluded his oral
argument, Professor Wright stood by him, waiting
to take over the podium. At that point, Judge
James McGirr Kelly, puzzled at the disagreement
between the two prominent professors, inquired,
“Haven’t you two coauthored a famous treatise on
federal practice?” Wright answered, “Arthur writes
the first draft and then I correct him.”
Be that as it may, Miller won that day.
WITNESS PREPARATION
One day after an excruciatingly difficult witness
prep session, Fellow George P. Williams, III, remarked,
“Just once I would like to say to my witness,
‘I want you to go in there and tell the truth
in my own words.’”
““I’M BEGINNING
TO WONDER IF
BOTH OF YOU
GUYS ARE LYING.”
RESPECT FOR THE JUDICIARY
Chuck Peruto was the master of the irreverent one-liner. (His son of
the same name still practices in Philadelphia.) One day Chuck was
defending a case before a judge widely known to the defense bar as
pro-prosecution. Every objection by the prosecutor was sustained;
every objection by Chuck was overruled. At one point, the judge
took the lawyers back to the robing room to discuss an objection by
Chuck – which he once again overruled. As they were about to return
to the courtroom, the judge remarked, “Chuck, you’re probably
thinking that you’d like to piss on my grave.” “Not at all, Your Honor,”
replied Chuck, “when I got out of the Army, I swore I’d never stand
in line again.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: Okay, I’ll see your Peruto and raise you a Darrow.
Once, after a heated exchange between Darrow and a judge
over an objection, the judge asked, “Mr. Darrow, are you attempting
to show your contempt for this court?” Without missing a
beat, Darrow responded “Why, no, Your Honor. I’m attempting
to conceal it.”
CURMUDGEON
In his book, Doing Justice (p. 247), Preet Bharara tells a tale about
Judge Kevin T. Duffy of the Southern District of New York, whom
he describes as “curmudgeonly.” One day, Bharara relates, an AUSA
was examining a witness and veered into a line of questioning that
the judge believed violated one of his rulings. He erupted. “If you do
that again, I’m going to have your balls.” The courtroom went silent.
This was a peculiar threat, insofar as the prosecutor was female. The
AUSA looked back at the judge and replied, “You know, Judge, if
you can find ‘em, you can have ‘em.” The tension broke. The judge
laughed. She became one of Judge Duffy’s favorites.
In another matter, Judge Duffy asked a defendant who his lawyer
was and the answer came back, “Allah is my lawyer!” Duffy drolly
asked, “Any local counsel?”
FALL 2022 JOURNAL 62